Thursday, March 26, 2009

$100.00

A Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Bull testicles

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me some.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si Senor, Sometimes the bull wins.'

Friday, March 13, 2009

Why did the chicken cross the road

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it - with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed - I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for the first time, that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

Miss Joyce, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " I don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly.

Miss Joyce that is very unusual. How old are you? '' Ninety-eight" she replied.

"Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Lawnmower DUI

Check this video out http://www.tpsnet.com/videos/dui.wmv

The son-in-law

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming fromwithin.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the f@!* are you doing? The husband replied, I'm watching football with my son-in-law."