The Daily Bitch

2012-01-31T12:27:00.000-08:00

Smile and wait for the flash.

2012-01-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

2011-12-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

Oh Santa....

2011-12-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a nativity scene for dog lovers!

2011-12-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to pick up yourself and carry on!

2011-12-09T14:41:00.001-08:00

Can you relate.....

2011-12-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Redneck Christmas....

2011-12-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same.

2) There are no dental records.

Ho, Ho, Ho...

2011-12-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

Diapers and Politicians......

2011-12-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic .........If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic .

2011-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a unique gift....

2011-12-02T09:47:00.001-08:00

Selling my stuff if I die......

2011-12-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

Comfort hunting...

2011-11-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Speed up your holiday baking...

2011-11-29T09:39:00.001-08:00

"The Tree"

2011-11-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

2011-11-22T10:25:00.000-08:00

A magician worked on a cruise ship......

2011-11-18T10:33:00.001-08:00

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?

How a poorly placed price sticker can change everything.

2011-11-15T06:44:00.001-08:00

2011-11-11T14:44:00.001-08:00

To Do List

2011-11-08T13:49:00.001-08:00

2011-11-07T10:22:00.000-08:00

2011-10-25T09:13:00.001-07:00

Guys will love this...

2011-10-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

2011-10-20T12:42:00.001-07:00

2011-10-19T15:42:00.001-07:00

2011-10-14T10:04:00.001-07:00

2011-10-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

2011-10-12T13:23:00.001-07:00

2011-10-07T14:03:00.001-07:00

How a bacon-cheeseburger is made.

2011-10-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

2011-10-04T11:23:00.001-07:00

Facebook Hangover

2011-10-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

2011-09-30T07:50:00.001-07:00

2011-09-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

2011-09-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

2011-09-27T16:38:00.001-07:00

Boys....

2011-09-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

You want me on top........

2011-09-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

Summer's almost over, get all the rays you can.....

2011-09-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

Electile Dysfunction:

2011-09-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year.

2011-09-14T12:05:00.001-07:00

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

A sign of the times.

2011-09-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Situational Awareness

2011-09-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

Traveling sperm.......

2011-09-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

Rocky 7

2011-09-08T09:57:00.001-07:00

Making a statement.......

2011-09-07T12:49:00.001-07:00

You know, there are some things that you just never think of..........like Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian side.

2011-09-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

Couples Massage

2011-09-02T10:33:00.001-07:00

Nozzlerage

2011-09-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

2011-08-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

PORNOGRAPHY FOUND IN BIN LADEN’S COMPUTER FILES

2011-06-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Somebody needs a spark arrestor.

2011-06-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

The White House Bed

2011-06-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play".

Awesome pool party

2011-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Finally A Book On Understanding Women.

2011-05-24T10:21:00.001-07:00

It's never too late to be what you might have been, George Eliot

2011-05-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

Never go home unexpectedly........

2011-04-13T13:04:00.001-07:00

Biological freak of nature - woman with two different color boobs.

2011-04-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

Google Street View

2010-12-09T13:03:00.001-08:00

Dog Pack Attacks Croc

2010-09-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the reptile.
Not for the squeamish...

For New Yorkers....

2010-09-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Holy Sunshine!

2010-09-12T13:52:00.001-07:00

Apparently they didn't consider the sun when designing this wall at Saint Peter's Basilica.

Go fly a kite.....

2010-09-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

They probably yelled "Holy Shit"

2010-08-30T08:21:00.001-07:00

How to know when a woman is pissed!!!!

2010-08-23T12:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Abby

2010-08-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV Virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part- time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her Into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

2010-08-08T11:32:00.001-07:00

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

2010-08-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

My dad and mom were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired
to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out fourhours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
Dad explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. He told the
clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells them that $350.00 is the'standard rate'.
Dad insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for us to use.'But we didn't use them," dad said.''Well, they are here,
and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that they could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," dad said. "Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, he replied,"But we didn'tuse it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually they gave up and agreed to pay.

Dad wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this
cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife," dad replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Dad said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Senior Center

2010-08-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

Photo taken at the Senior Center in Boca Raton Fl.
The Course was "How to prevent Alzheimer's"
The Project of the Day was "Keep your mind working. Try to create something from memory."

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES"

2010-07-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Idaho, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia

Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

Swimsuit season is here.

2010-07-16T09:54:00.001-07:00

Anger management

2010-07-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

New cell phone for seniors.

2010-06-29T09:42:00.001-07:00

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

2010-06-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I

selected:

   A half-gallon of 2% milk,
            A carton of eggs,
            A quart of orange juice,
            A head of romaine lettuce,
            A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
            A 1 lb. package of bacon.
            A package of gum.

            As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a
            drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the
items in front of the
            cashier.

            While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
drunk calmly
            stated, "You must be single."

            I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by
            the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at
            the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual
            about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my
            marital status.

            Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well,
you know what,
            you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that?"

            The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

No, I have not seen your lipstick, why would you even ask me that?

2010-06-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

And they say there are no new business ideas?

2010-06-17T08:02:00.001-07:00

Selling lemonade at the beach.

Back to nature???

2010-06-16T14:36:00.001-07:00

Guts or balls?

2010-06-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but, do you
REALLY know the difference between them?
There is a medical distinction, but there is no difference in the outcome.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.

Tattoo of the year!

2010-06-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

My son told me, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.
I told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one.
He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !
I told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly
And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.

I thought ... a Cartoon Character ... is probably not so bad !

Helpful message

2010-06-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

Why are raincoats yellow? Any other questions?

2010-05-28T13:26:00.001-07:00

These mornings walks are getting to me.....

2010-05-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

Peacock

2010-05-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

An old man sat on a park bench next to a teenager.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at him.
The teenager kept looking and would find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked:
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man responded, “I got stoned once and screwed a peacock once,
I was just wondering if you were my son."

Senior Citizens Biker Bar

2010-05-20T13:23:00.001-07:00

We love blonde jokes

2010-05-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Mrs. Neely

2010-05-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said,
"I outlived the bitches."

Little Johnny

2010-05-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Old but not senile...

2010-05-04T16:15:00.001-07:00

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. Then, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account!'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'

Grandmas boyfriend

2010-05-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She startedAdjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

Identity theft is rampant

2010-04-21T05:40:00.001-07:00

Yer doin' it wrong

2010-04-20T08:54:00.001-07:00

Great way to get attention

2010-04-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Warning sign...

2010-04-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

Jane and Arlene

2010-04-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlen e: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms .

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Butt lift gone wrong

2010-04-13T09:50:00.001-07:00

Redneck air conditioner

2010-04-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Chuck

2010-04-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

Just take a seat anywhere!

Getting ready for summer?

2010-04-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

Playing the bagpipe

2010-04-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."