Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning.
A CAR RIDE WITH GRANDPA
He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his little granddaughter.
On one particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
Oh, yes,Grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid shithead anywhere we went today!'
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French
woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the o nly seat availablewas under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1.This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me some.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.
'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si Senor, Sometimes the bull wins.'
Friday, March 13, 2009
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it - with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed - I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for the first time, that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
Miss Joyce, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " I don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly.
Miss Joyce that is very unusual. How old are you? '' Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the f@!* are you doing? The husband replied, I'm watching football with my son-in-law."