Thursday, December 24, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009



A CAR RIDE WITH GRANDPA

Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning.
He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his little granddaughter.
On one particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
Oh, yes,Grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid shithead anywhere we went today!'

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Texas farmer



A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer..

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
Your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me..' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and
Goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the
farmer's bull..

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff
is clearly terrified.....

The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs......

'Your badge!
Show him your badge!





Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Everyday there is something that we should be thankful for. Today, we should be thankful the photographer wasn't on the other side.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat..

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French
woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's
poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the o nly seat availablewas under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

When a drop dead beauty passes YOU by...





Friday, July 31, 2009

Funniest staff meeting ever

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1.This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Another use for Levi's










Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Blonde and the Cow


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,


'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door..

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Monday, July 13, 2009

Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

$100.00

A Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Bull testicles

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me some.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si Senor, Sometimes the bull wins.'

Friday, March 13, 2009

Why did the chicken cross the road

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it - with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed - I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for the first time, that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

Miss Joyce, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " I don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly.

Miss Joyce that is very unusual. How old are you? '' Ninety-eight" she replied.

"Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Lawnmower DUI

Check this video out http://www.tpsnet.com/videos/dui.wmv

The son-in-law

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming fromwithin.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the f@!* are you doing? The husband replied, I'm watching football with my son-in-law."