Thursday, December 24, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009


Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning.
He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his little granddaughter.
On one particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
Oh, yes,Grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid shithead anywhere we went today!'

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Texas farmer

A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer..

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
Your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me..' Reaching
Into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and
Goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
And spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the
farmer's bull..

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff
is clearly terrified.....

The old farmer immediately throws down
His tools, runs to the fence and yells
At the top of his lungs......

'Your badge!
Show him your badge!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Everyday there is something that we should be thankful for. Today, we should be thankful the photographer wasn't on the other side.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat..

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French
woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the o nly seat availablewas under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

When a drop dead beauty passes YOU by...


Friday, July 31, 2009

Funniest staff meeting ever

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1.This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Another use for Levi's


Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Blonde and the Cow

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door..

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Monday, July 13, 2009


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."