Monday, September 20, 2010
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the reptile.
Not for the squeamish...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
turned with a confused look on my face and said,
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part- time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her Into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Worried About My Reputation
Friday, August 6, 2010
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired
to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out fourhours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
Dad explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. He told the
clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells them that $350.00 is the'standard rate'.
Dad insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for us to use.'But we didn't use them," dad said.''Well, they are here,
and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that they could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," dad said. "Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, he replied,"But we didn'tuse it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually they gave up and agreed to pay.
Dad wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this
cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife," dad replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Dad said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Idaho, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia
Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
REALLY know the difference between them?
There is a medical distinction, but there is no difference in the outcome.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning?
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one.
He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !
I told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly
And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My Dad kept staring at him.
The teenager kept looking and would find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked:
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man responded, “I got stoned once and screwed a peacock once,
I was just wondering if you were my son."
Monday, May 17, 2010
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
Friday, May 14, 2010
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said,
"I outlived the bitches."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. Then, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account!'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'
Monday, May 3, 2010
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She startedAdjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Most of us have to drive through access gates at some point of our driving careers. We have had numerous incidents with gates swinging in the wind and hitting vehicles.This guy caught a gate that was probably hidden by the tree line as he rounded the corner.
I bet the first thing the driver checked was to see if Mr. Wiggles and his two neighbors were still there.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
A woman ran over a mattress on the highway,
And decided not to worry -- and kept on driving.
The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough
To tear a hole in the fuel tank.
The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What Finally
Brought Her Vehicle To Its Knees.
She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More Miles
With A 60-Pound Tangle of Stuff Wrapped Around Her Drive shaft.
She Had it Towed To Her Dealership And Complained
That The Vehicle Had A "Sort Of Shimmy"
When She Was Driving At High Speeds. What They Found At Her Dealership.....................
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to Send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but Then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma"
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
When you purchase your bike, make sure the color of bike seat is taken into consideration! Choose wisely . . .