Saturday, May 22, 2010


An old man sat on a park bench next to a teenager.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at him.
The teenager kept looking and would find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked:
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man responded, “I got stoned once and screwed a peacock once,
I was just wondering if you were my son."

Monday, May 17, 2010

We love blonde jokes

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mrs. Neely

All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said,
"I outlived the bitches."

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Little Johnny

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Old but not senile...

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. Then, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account!'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'

Monday, May 3, 2010

Grandmas boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She startedAdjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'